Chapter Four
Irish Jesus and the Friend in the Linen Closet
Theia stood up dramatically, turning towards the fireplace. “On the morning of October 3rd, 1997, Storm was in bed and I was up desperately trying to complete an assignment given to me weeks before. It was four AM, on a dark and stormy night. As I was typing madly away on my computer, there was a loud, sharp knock.
“Mia and Kayla were already asleep and I froze. And then I muttered to myself, ‘Who the hell would be up at this hour?’ And then I got up after grabbing a copy of Breaking Dawn—don’t look at me like that, Draco, it’s for self-defense, really. I mean, who wouldn’t get a concussion after being knocked out with that thing?—and then I went to the front door.”
“And no one was there,” supplied Storm.
“Shut up, Storm. You were in goddamned bed. It’s my story to tell!” Theia pouted. Storm rolled her eyes and waved her hand in the air, gesturing for her wife to continue. “But anyway, before I was so rudely interrupted, I went to the door and opened it. And no one was there. I thought at first, ‘Shit, what kind of idiot would doorbell-ditch me at four in the morning? I should call the police.’”
She paused to munch on a cookie. “Mummy,” whined Kal, “continue!”
Theia glared at her. “Kalila,” she said after swallowing, “I can tell this on my own time. But anyway, as I was closing the door, I heard a baby’s cry. I opened the door again and saw a cute little redhead girl wrapped in pink blankets. I’m pretty sure I said something like ‘Ohmigod female Irish Jesus’ and then I picked you up. Of course, wrapped around your wrist, was a note that said, ‘I’ve been watching you. Take good care of her.’ And it was signed with a KA.”
She nodded importantly at the dubious looks on everyone’s faces. “I thought up random names to fit you, Kelly dear, and then I went to the mysterious initials for inspiration. And then I thought, ‘Crap, Kelly and Aventine! Kelly Aventine! A beautiful name!’ And then I ran upstairs to Storm and my bedroom and woke her up.”
Storm laughed. “I called her a few bad names.”
“Mummy! Bad influence!”
“Oh, shut up. Go on, Theia, or I’ll continue it for you.”
Theia glared at her spouse. “Nuh-uh. So anyway, I turned on the lights and told Storm to shut up when she started swearing at me. When she asked what could be so important at four o’ clock in the damn morning—her words, I swear—I grabbed the newly Christened Kelly Aventine in her face. She had the drool and little tufts of red hair too. It was so cute. I love little kids.” Theia sighed.
There was a pause. “Mummy, get on with the story.”
“Oh, right. XD.”
Kay smacked her again. “Oh, right. Haha,” amended Theia hastily. “So Storm just looked at me all weird and said, ‘You didn’t steal this kid or anything while I was asleep, did you?’ And I made some retort about domestic trust and lack of money—”
“You’re living in . . . a . . . castle,” Rachel pointed out.
“It was expensive, okay?
“That’s why I gave you the toothbrush,” said Storm helpfully.
“I know and I loved the stupid toothbrush, dear. Now shut up and let me continue. Now. When we started arguing, Kelly started cooing and we put her in a dusty old crib Storm managed to find in the attic at five in the morning. It was the best we could find. When we’d actually had proper sleep and my ass wasn’t in trouble with my agent for not completing work on time, we got her proper baby stuff and cleared out one of the fifty guest bedrooms.”
Kelly frowned. “Is that it?”
Theia tapped her chin. “Well, not exactly. We never found out who your parents were but you loved the puppies in the windows of the pet store, so I bought you most of them with Storm’s credit card. She got mad at me for that, although I don’t know why, and said I needed to get a bank account of my own. Which . . . I still need to do.”
There was a pause. “Anything else?” she pressed. Theia squinted at the window and pursed her lips.
“Right, then there was Thorn when you were in fifth grade. When I came home from the agency—my agent was being a pain in the ass about my latest novel then, you see—you were coloring your homework with permanent rainbow Sharpie with a girl looking over your shoulder. Then you saw me and beamed and was all, ‘Mummy, this is my twinsie!’”
Sheva gave Theia a dubious look. “You let her draw on her homework? With permanent Sharpies?”
“No, of course not! I want her to get into college too! So I just stare at this girl and I’m like, ‘Dude, how are you twins?’ And then Kelly glares at me and shuns me because she thinks it’s obvious. Of course, I’m still confused by the time Storm comes home.”
Storm laughed, pulling her feet up on the sofa. “And then I looked at Thorn and said—”
“She said,” said Theia loudly, glaring at her spouse, “and I quote, ‘Who the hell’s this girl? Theia, did you kidnap another kid again?’ And then I went, ‘Of course not, Storm! You wound me with such a suggestion!’ But then Storm called the police office and asked if they had gotten any reports of missing children. Naturally, this made them suspicious and they came around to our castle ten minutes later. We hid Thorn in a linen closet, I yelled at Storm for calling the police, and then we legally adopted her.”
Pause.
“We’re still not really sure where she came from though. She never got around to telling us. She should really do that someday.”
Theia beamed. Kelly and Thorn glared at each other and Kayla rubbed her temples. “C’mon, guys, it’s Christmas. Can you kiss and make up, please? I’m sure most of the people here would just love that.”
Kelly stared at her hands and Thorn looked away, outside at the dark night.
“And so concludes the story of Kelly Aventine and Acacia Thorn,” Storm declared quickly. “Now, for Kal’s story.”
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